In our daily life there is a practice so common that it often goes unnoticed: the habit of giving opinions about other people when no one has asked.
It can come from a mother, a mother-in-law, a friend, a colleague or even a stranger. Often the person making the comment believes they are helping. But intention does not always match impact.
For a long time, I too normalised this kind of comment. I did not know exactly why they made me uncomfortable, but something did not fit. Later I understood that, behind some seemingly innocent phrases, there can be an intrusion into a space we have not offered: our body, our decisions, our way of living or feeling.
In short: not every opinion is an attack, but not every opinion needs to be said either. Before commenting on another person, it is worth asking whether they asked for our view, whether the comment adds anything and whether we are respecting their autonomy. And when we are the ones receiving an unsolicited opinion, we can also learn to set boundaries without having to justify ourselves.
When the body becomes a topic of conversation
Phrases like “you’ve put on weight”, “you look thinner, well done” or “those clothes suit you much better” are still very present in our culture.
Some are even said as compliments.
But what do we really know about the story behind that body?
Perhaps a person has lost weight because of an illness, anxiety, grief or a hard time they are going through. Perhaps they have gained weight during recovery, because of medication, hormonal changes or simply because their body has changed.
We do not know.
And that is precisely the problem: commenting on someone else’s body usually involves a lot of assumptions.
Besides, when we systematically congratulate certain physical changes, we also convey an idea about which bodies we consider better, more desirable or more valid.
Our intention may be good. But the impact can be another matter.
It is not only the body
We also comment on how someone dresses, how they raise their children, what they should do about their partner, how much they work, how they handle their emotions or even how long they take to get over a loss.
“If I were you, I wouldn’t allow it.”
“You should go out more.”
“You take everything too much to heart.”
“You’d look much better in those clothes.”
“If I were you, I’d have moved on by now.”
Sometimes we say these things as if our way of understanding the world were the yardstick by which other people’s lives should be organised.
But each person has their own story, resources, limits, values and circumstances.
Giving an unsolicited opinion can become, without our noticing, a way of placing ourselves above: I know what is good for you even though you haven’t asked me.
Why do we comment so much on other people?
There is not always bad intent.
Often we comment because that is how we learned to relate.
We come from families and environments where commenting on bodies, decisions and behaviour was normal. We grew up hearing constant comparisons and recommendations, and we can reproduce them automatically.
Other times we comment because we find it hard to tolerate someone doing things differently from us.
We can also do it out of anxiety.
We see someone make a decision we do not understand and it reassures us to tell them what we would do. We feel that this way we regain some control.
And sometimes an opinion about another person says more about the one giving it than the one receiving it.
What we judge, what makes us uncomfortable or what we want to correct can also put us in touch with our own beliefs and fears.
That does not mean we can never share our view.
It means it may be worth asking ourselves where we are offering it from.
Giving an opinion is not the same as caring
Sometimes we confuse care with advice.
When someone tells us something difficult, we may feel an immediate need to give them a solution.
“Do this.”
“Leave him.”
“Stop thinking about it.”
“I’d talk to him.”
But perhaps that person does not need a strategy.
Perhaps they need to be heard.
A simple question can change the conversation a great deal:
“Do you want me to listen, or do you want to know what I think?”
Asking permission acknowledges something very important: the other person still has the capacity to decide what they need from us.
Caring does not always mean intervening.
Sometimes caring is being available without taking over the other person’s experience.
The difference between an opinion and a boundary
Here it is worth distinguishing two things.
Setting a boundary does not mean we can never tell another person how their behaviour affects us.
If something happens within a relationship and has consequences for us, we may need to talk about it.
“I don’t want you to speak to me like that.”
“What happened hurt me.”
“If you’re going to be late, I need you to let me know.”
That is not the same as saying:
“You should dress differently.”
“You should lose weight.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
In the first case we are talking about our experience and what we need to look after ourselves within a relationship.
In the second we are judging how the other person should be.
There will not always be a perfect line, but asking ourselves this question can help:
Am I explaining how something affects me, or am I telling another person how they should live?
Why do some opinions hurt so much?
There are comments that may seem insignificant and yet stay with us for hours or days.
Why?
Because we do not receive words in a vacuum.
An opinion can touch an old insecurity, a wound, a doubt that was already there or a part of us that deeply fears not being accepted.
A comment about our body can trigger years of shame.
A criticism of our parenting can touch the fear of not doing it well enough.
A seemingly small remark can hurt not only because of what was said, but because of everything it represents for us.
That does not mean we are “too sensitive”.
It means our history plays a part in how we receive certain words.
And knowing this also helps us decide what we need to do with them.
What can I do when someone gives an opinion about me unasked?
It is not always necessary to get into an argument.
Sometimes it is enough not to justify our decision.
“Thanks, but I don’t need advice on this.”
“I’d rather we didn’t comment on my body.”
“I understand you’d do it differently.”
“I haven’t asked for your opinion on this.”
“When I want to know what you think, I’ll ask.”
It can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if we have learned to be nice, agreeable or accommodating.
But setting a boundary does not have to be aggressive.
Nor do we have to convince the other person that our boundary is reasonable.
We can express it respectfully and let it stand.
You do not need to explain all your decisions
One of the most common traps appears right after setting the boundary.
“I’d rather not talk about my weight because…”
“I don’t want to do it that way because…”
“I’m not going because…”
And we end up building a whole defence to prove that our decision is valid.
Sometimes explaining can help, especially in important relationships.
But other times over-explaining comes from the feeling that we need permission.
We do not always have to get others to understand our decisions in order to keep them.
A boundary can also end with a full stop.
Before giving an opinion, a small pause
We can also check this tendency when we are the ones about to make the comment.
Before speaking, perhaps we can ask ourselves:
Have I been asked for my opinion?
Does this help?
Does it need to be said?
Am I caring, or am I trying to correct?
How would I feel if someone made this comment about me?
This is not about living in fear of saying anything at all.
It is about developing a little more awareness of the effect our words can have.
Because empathy is not only about having good intentions.
It also involves caring about how the other person may receive what we say.
How can we support you at Calma de Ser?
Sometimes the problem is not only that someone comments too much.
The distress appears because we find it extremely hard to respond.
We stay silent.
We get angry afterwards.
We justify ourselves.
Or we keep thinking for hours about a comment we perhaps wish we had stopped in the moment.
In therapy we can explore what makes it so hard to set those boundaries, what happens when we feel judged and why certain opinions weigh so heavily on our own self-perception.
It is not about learning to let nothing affect us.
It is about being able to listen to others without losing our own voice.
Comment less, understand more
I do not think we have to stop sharing our opinions.
Conversations, disagreements and different viewpoints also enrich our relationships.
But perhaps we can stop assuming that everything we think about another person needs to be said.
Sometimes we can ask.
Sometimes we can listen.
Sometimes we can keep our opinion to ourselves.
And when we are the ones receiving a comment we did not ask for, we can remember something important:
someone having an opinion about us does not mean that opinion has to become our truth.
Perhaps if we speak a little less to correct and listen a little more to understand, we can build more respectful, free and authentic relationships.
And, as I wrote at the end of this article when I first published it: this is just my opinion.
