This weekend I went out for lunch.
It was a special day. I was premenstrual and I fancied meat. I ordered it as always: “very rare, please. Just seared on both sides”.
I said it clearly, with intention.
But when the plate arrived, the meat was done. Too done.
And even so… I said nothing.
You may be thinking: are we really going to talk about steaks?
Yes, but not only about that.
We are going to talk about self-expression, boundaries, fear and vulnerability. Because often it is not only about what we need, but about everything that happens inside us just before we dare to say it.
In short: setting boundaries is not only about learning to say “no”. It also means being able to express what we want, ask for what we need, point out when something has hurt us and allow ourselves to take up a place in the relationship. Sometimes the boundary does not fail because we do not know what we need, but because we fear what might happen if we express it.
Why is it so hard to say what we need?
What happened to me in that restaurant was small. I could have called the waiter and simply said:
“Excuse me, I ordered it very rare. Could you change it?”
It was not an unreasonable request. I had ordered one thing and received another.
And yet, the discomfort appeared.
“Well, it’s not a big deal.”
“I’ll eat it like this.”
“I don’t want to be a bother.”
“Whatever.”
Sound familiar?
Sometimes it happens to us with a plate of food, and sometimes with much more important things.
I hold back from telling someone I find them fascinating.
I hold back from saying that something hurt me.
I hold back from asking for support when I feel small or insecure.
I hold back from saying I don’t want to do something.
Or from saying I do want something the other person may not expect from me.
Often we know perfectly well what we need. The conflict appears when we imagine the other person’s reaction.
Setting boundaries is not only saying “no”
When we talk about boundaries we usually think of phrases like:
“I don’t want to.”
“This far and no further.”
“This doesn’t work for me.”
And, of course, that is also setting boundaries.
But boundaries have to do with something broader: with being able to be present in a relationship without disappearing so that everything stays calm.
We also set a boundary when we say:
“I need you to listen to me before giving me a solution.”
“What you just said hurt me.”
“I’d rather do it another way.”
“I need time.”
“I’d like you to come with me today.”
“This I do feel like doing.”
Expressing a need does not guarantee the other person will meet it, but it lets our voice exist.
The fear of bothering others
One of the most common difficulties when setting boundaries is the feeling that expressing a need can turn us into difficult, selfish or demanding people.
Perhaps we have learned to be “easy”.
To adapt.
Not to cause problems.
We can anticipate other people’s needs before attending to our own.
Then a kind of inner negotiation appears:
“Is it really that important?”
“Is it worth saying?”
“What if they get angry?”
“What if they think I’m exaggerating?”
“What if they stop liking me?”
The problem is that, when this negotiation always ends on the same side, we can get used to giving ourselves up to spare others a small discomfort.
And what we do not say does not necessarily disappear.
Sometimes it turns into frustration, distance, built-up anger or the feeling of not being taken into account.
When being strong means needing nothing
We have been taught to value independence highly.
To be capable.
To sort things out.
Not to depend.
Not to need too much.
And that ability can be an important resource. The problem appears when strength becomes an identity that does not allow us to show any need.
“I can manage on my own.”
“It’s fine.”
“I’ll cope.”
Others may even describe us as strong. But what happens if, to keep up that image, we have to hide when something affects us?
Sometimes, behind great self-sufficiency, there is a fear of depending, of being let down or of being rejected. Then it is no longer about being independent because we want to, but about feeling we have no other option.
Vulnerability also needs boundaries
Showing vulnerability does not mean exposing ourselves without measure or trusting just anyone. We can decide what we share, with whom, when and how far.
The difference lies between protecting our privacy because we want to and silencing ourselves because we feel that showing a need makes us weak. What matters is that this choice is not governed only by fear.
What may lie beneath the difficulty of setting boundaries?
There is no single explanation. There may be fear of conflict, abandonment or rejection; a history of being criticised when we expressed needs; or having learned that keeping the peace mattered more than saying what was happening.
Guilt may also appear: “if I say no, I’m bad”, “if I ask for this, I’m selfish”, “if I say how I feel, I’ll burden the other person”.
That is why working on boundaries is not only about learning assertive phrases. Sometimes we know perfectly well what to say. The hard part is tolerating what we feel while we say it: guilt, fear, shame or the possibility that someone gets upset because we have stopped adapting.
A healthy boundary does not control the other person
This point matters.
A boundary is not a way of forcing another person to behave as we want.
Saying “I don’t want you to ever get angry with me again” is not a boundary: it tries to control the other person’s emotion.
A boundary speaks of our position and, when needed, of what we will do to take care of ourselves.
For example:
“If we start insulting each other, I’d rather stop the conversation and pick it up when we are calmer.”
“I don’t want to talk about this now.”
“I can help you with this, but today I can’t take care of everything.”
“I don’t want you to comment on my body.”
The other person may or may not agree. And here comes a hard part: setting boundaries does not guarantee a comfortable response.
What if the other person gets angry?
Sometimes we avoid setting a boundary because we want to find a way of saying it that guarantees nobody gets upset.
If only there were one.
We can speak with respect, choose the moment and also listen to the other person. But we cannot fully control how it will be received, which is especially hard if we have learned to feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
Someone getting upset does not automatically mean our boundary is unfair.
Likewise, setting a boundary does not mean we are always right.
Relationships involve negotiation, listening and the ability to review our own positions.
Learning to set boundaries starts with listening to ourselves
It is hard to express a need if we have spent a long time disconnecting from it.
That is why, before saying something outwards, we may need to learn to listen inwards.
What do I really want?
What do I not want?
What is bothering me?
What do I need?
Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I find it hard to bear saying no?
Am I staying quiet because I have chosen not to enter that conversation, or because I fear what will happen if I speak?
Not every situation requires saying something. Sometimes consciously deciding that something does not deserve our energy is also self-care. The difference lies in being able to choose.
Starting with small boundaries
There is no need to start with the hardest conversation of our life.
We can practise in everyday situations.
Asking for a dish to be changed when it is not what we ordered.
Saying we would prefer another table.
Explaining that we cannot meet up today.
Asking for a few minutes to think before answering.
Saying “let me finish, please”.
Choosing what we want to eat without justifying it.
These small moves can help us confirm something important: expressing a preference does not make us selfish. We are learning to exist within the relationship too.
How can we support you at Calma de Ser?
In therapy we can work on exactly what happens when you try to set a boundary or express a need.
Perhaps you know what you want to say, but you freeze.
Perhaps guilt appears afterwards.
Maybe you can set boundaries at work, but not with your partner.
Or you are able to stand up for others and yet find it very hard to stand up for yourself.
We want to understand not only which boundary you need to set, but also what makes it so hard to set.
Exploring those patterns can help you recognise your needs more clearly, express them respectfully and better hold the discomfort that sometimes appears when you start to take up a different place in your relationships.
When the steak stands for much more than food
This article was never really about a steak.
It was about that instant when I know what I want and, even so, a part of me doubts whether it has the right to ask for it.
About all those times we make ourselves small so as not to bother anyone.
About confusing strength with needing nothing.
And about discovering that setting boundaries does not mean building a wall between us and others.
Sometimes it means just the opposite: allowing the relationship to be real enough for us to be inside it too.
So the next time something is not as you asked, perhaps you can ask yourself:
Am I choosing to let it go, or am I staying quiet out of fear?
Sometimes a small request can become a huge practice.
“Please, I ordered it rare. Could you change it?”
And perhaps, little by little, we can start doing the same with much more important things.
