After explaining to a child that someone important has died, another equally hard question usually appears:
“And now how do I support them?”
Childhood grief is not lived exactly like adult grief. Children also need to adapt to the absence, but the way they understand what happened, express pain and ask for help depends a lot on their age, their bond with the person who died and their developmental stage.
Sometimes they cry. Sometimes they play. Sometimes they get angry about seemingly small things. Other times they seem to carry on as if nothing had happened.
That does not mean they are not grieving.
In short: in childhood, grief can appear through emotions, questions, play, changes in behaviour, regressions or fears. Supporting does not mean getting the child to be fine as soon as possible, but offering them safety, words, presence and space to express the loss in their own way.
If you do not yet know how to tell them that someone has died, you can start with our article How to explain the death of a loved one to a child, where we talk about which words to use, what to avoid and how to answer their first questions.
Childhood grief does not follow a straight line
For a long time grief has been described as a process divided into phases. However, especially in childhood, it rarely moves forward in an orderly way.
A child can be sad in the morning and play an hour later. They can ask about the person who died for days and then go a while without naming them. They can seem calm and then get intensely angry about something apparently unrelated to the loss.
There is no single right way to grieve.
Children integrate what happened little by little, as their capacity to understand death and hold complex emotions also develops.
From 0 to 3: when the absence is felt
Babies and very young children do not yet understand death as a concept, but they do feel the absence.
If the person who died was an important caregiver, they may notice that their voice, their smell, the way they held them or their routines are gone. They also sense changes in the adults around them.
At this stage, supporting means above all offering continuity, presence and safety.
Keeping familiar routines and reference figures, as far as possible, can help. We can also put simple words to what is happening:
“I know you miss Mummy.”
“Mummy has died and cannot come back.”
“I am sad too, and I am here with you.”
Even if they do not yet understand the full meaning, the tone, the presence and the repetition help build meaning.
From 4 to 7: when fantasy and reality mix
At this stage, imagination takes up a huge place.
I remember the case of a six-year-old boy who thought his uncle, who had died two years earlier, would come back at night “turned into a mad scientist”, because he loved those characters.
He had simply been told that his uncle “had gone away”.
From his logic it made sense: if someone goes away, they can also come back.
At these ages they may repeat the same questions many times or imagine their own explanations for what happened. New fears may also appear: that another loved one will die, that they themselves might die, or that the person who died will come back.
They need clear answers, but also patience. They do not always ask because they have not understood: sometimes they need to hear it again to keep integrating it.
Grief is also expressed through play and behaviour
Children cannot always explain their experience in words.
There may be more tantrums, a greater need to be close to adults, trouble sleeping, temporary regressions or greater sensitivity to separations.
They may also act out death in their games: characters who disappear, hospitals or farewells. Play can be one of the ways they explore what they cannot yet fully organise in words.
That is why it helps to look beyond the behaviour and ask ourselves:
“What might they be trying to express?”
From age 7: understanding better does not mean suffering less
As they grow, their understanding of death becomes more like an adult’s. They begin to understand better that it is irreversible, but understanding better does not mean it hurts less.
Sadness, anger, fear, worry or guilt may appear.
I remember a girl who asked me whether her father had died in an accident because she had misbehaved that day. Her father had asked her to tidy her room and she went off to draw without doing it.
Afterwards she started tidying everything very rigidly because she feared that, if she left something out of place, something bad might happen to someone else.
From an adult perspective we know there was no connection between the two events. For her, however, the guilt made sense.
Saying “don’t be silly” may make her stop sharing it, but not necessarily stop feeling it.
It is more helpful to answer:
“I understand you connected the two things, but nothing you did caused the accident.”
“You are not responsible for Daddy dying.”
Is it normal for a child to play after crying?
Yes.
A child can cry intensely for the person who died and, shortly after, ask if they can go and play.
That does not mean they do not care.
Children usually move in and out of pain more easily than adults. Play can offer them a pause and a temporary return to something familiar.
We do not need to constantly bring them back to the subject to check whether they are “processing the loss properly”.
We can be available when it comes up and also let them go on being children.
Crying in front of our children: should we avoid it?
Many adults try to hold back tears to protect them.
But children pick up on tone of voice, faces, silences and changes at home. If we are clearly sad and answer “nothing’s wrong”, they may feel confused.
Showing sadness can help them understand that crying is part of grieving.
We can say:
“I am sad because I miss Grandpa very much.”
And at the same time convey safety:
“Even though I am sad, I can take care of myself, and there are other adults who help me.”
The key is not to hide our emotions, but to keep the child from feeling they must take responsibility for them.
What a child needs during grief
There is no formula, but some simple things usually help: available adults, clear information, permission to ask several times, some continuity in routines and room both to talk about the person who died and not to.
We can also keep memories: looking at photographs, telling stories, writing a letter or creating a small family ritual. Continuing to love and remember someone who has died is also part of grieving.
When may it be advisable to seek help?
After a loss, emotional and behavioural changes may appear without that automatically meaning there is a psychological problem.
Rather than an isolated sign, it helps to look at the intensity, the duration and how much the distress interferes with their daily life.
It may be advisable to consult if the following appear intensely or persistently:
- significant trouble sleeping or frequent nightmares;
- very high fear of separating from reference figures;
- persistent guilt related to the death;
- withdrawal or a marked loss of interest;
- significant and sustained changes in behaviour or school performance;
- regressions that do not lessen over time;
- intense worry about dying or about other people dying;
- recurring physical symptoms, which also need a medical assessment;
- or any change that especially worries the family.
There is no universal deadline after which grief should be “over”.
The more useful question is whether the child can gradually pick up their life, their relationships and their development while integrating the loss.
How to support without trying to take away the pain
When we love a child very much, it is understandable to want them to stop suffering as soon as possible.
But supporting is not about erasing sadness.
It is about helping them go through it without being left alone.
Listening without correcting immediately. Answering honestly. Accepting anger. Not forcing them to talk. Letting them play. Repeating an explanation when they need it. Remembering together.
Sometimes there is no need to find the perfect sentence. What is needed is to be there.
How can we support you at Calma de Ser?
When grief causes a lot of suffering, or the family feels they do not know how to handle certain reactions, our child and adolescent psychology team can help understand what is happening and what that child needs right now.
Sometimes it will be important to work directly with the child; other times, to guide mothers, fathers or carers so they can support better from home. Childhood grief does not happen in isolation: the child lives a loss within a family that is also grieving.
At Calma de Ser we can assess what each case needs and propose the most suitable kind of support, always respecting the age, the pace and the particular way each child is living the loss.
We cannot spare them the loss, but we can accompany them through it
Death is part of life.
We will not be able to protect our children from all pain, but we can offer them something deeply important: our presence.
Helping them find words. Holding difficult questions. Letting them cry and go back to playing. Talking about the person who died. Laughing when remembering something lovely without feeling we are betraying the sadness.
And teaching them, little by little, that losing someone and going on living can coexist.
Grief is not about forgetting.
It is about finding a way to move forward carrying with us the bond and the memory of the one who is no longer here.
