There are people with whom connecting seems easy. You feel comfortable, share personal things and start to relax. But one disappointment, one unexpected reply or one conflict is enough for a familiar doubt to appear:
“Can I really trust this person?”
Perhaps it works like a pendulum for you: sometimes you trust quickly and then feel you exposed yourself too much; other times you prefer to protect yourself and keep your distance.
Neither extreme is easy: trusting everyone can leave you unprotected, and trusting no one can end up isolating you.
In short: trusting does not mean thinking everyone is safe. Trust is built little by little, by observing consistency, respect, reciprocity and the capacity to repair. The aim is to tell apart where you need to protect yourself and where you can allow yourself to get closer.
Why do I find it hard to trust others?
We learn to relate within relationships.
From childhood we find out what happens when we need help, show an emotion, say no or let someone see a vulnerable part of us.
Some experiences teach us that we can get close and still feel safe. Others teach us something different.
Perhaps someone important let you down, rejected you or was not there when you needed them. Perhaps you learned that showing vulnerability could come at a cost.
When experiences like these repeat or have a major impact, we can build an inner conclusion:
“It’s safer not to trust too much.”
Distrust has often been a way of protecting yourself from reliving something that already hurt.
Distrust can also protect you
Difficulty trusting can show up in different ways:
- you watch people closely before opening up;
- you find it hard to ask for help;
- you prefer to solve your problems on your own;
- you tell what is happening, but not what makes you vulnerable;
- you expect little from others so as not to be disappointed;
- you analyse messages, silences or changes in attitude;
- when someone starts to matter to you, you feel the urge to pull away.
These strategies can reduce the risk of suffering. The difficulty appears when that protection becomes so rigid that it also switches on in relationships that could be different, blocking intimacy, support and connection.
Between trusting too much and trusting no one
In the original Calma de Ser article we used the image of a pendulum: swinging between “I can trust everyone” and “no one can be trusted”.
At one extreme we may open up too fast, excuse behaviour that makes us uncomfortable or assume the other person will take care of us because we would do the same.
Then a disappointment may come and the pendulum swings to the other side:
“I’m never trusting again.”
Perhaps the alternative lies at neither extreme.
It may lie in developing gradual trust: not handing over all our intimacy, but not closing the door before knowing who is in front of us either.
Trusting does not mean no longer protecting yourself
A safe relationship is not one in which we know we will never suffer.
Trusting may look more like:
“I keep observing how this person relates to me and let trust grow as I gather enough experiences to do so.”
Not everyone needs the same access to our intimacy. We can share something small, set a boundary or voice a difference and see what happens.
Trust is built through repeated experiences.
How can you tell whether you can trust someone?
There is no foolproof test, but there are some safety filters.
You can be yourself
In a sufficiently safe relationship you do not have to weigh every word to avoid rejection.
You can think differently, make mistakes, have needs or show vulnerability without feeling those parts will be used to make you feel less.
Your boundaries have room
A person does not have to agree with all your boundaries in order to respect them.
They may feel disappointed that you said no and still accept your decision.
There is consistency
Trust needs a match between what someone says and what they do.
We are not looking for perfection, but for enough stability not to live wondering where we stand with that person.
There is reciprocity
It is not about keeping score of who gives more.
It is about feeling there is room for both people: you can listen and also be heard, care and let yourself be cared for.
Trust is also built in conflict
An important way to gauge the safety of a relationship is to watch what happens when something goes wrong.
Can you talk about what happened?
Is there curiosity to understand the other person?
Can each of you own your part?
Is there room to apologise and repair?
Or does every conflict end in attack, silence, withdrawal or with all the blame placed on one person?
A relationship does not have to be perfect to be safe.
Sometimes trust grows precisely when we discover:
“We can have a conflict and the bond doesn’t disappear.”
Why do I distrust even though the other person has done nothing to me?
Because we do not arrive at each relationship from scratch.
Our body and mind also use what we learned before to interpret what is happening now.
Someone takes a while to reply and a part of you feels they are losing interest. Your partner needs space and the fear appears that they are drifting away. A friend makes a criticism and you experience it as a bigger rejection than what apparently happened.
This does not mean we should ignore our feelings.
But it can help to add a question:
“Does everything I’m feeling belong to this relationship, or does something happening now also connect with something I already know?”
Being able to tell the difference helps us not to ignore real danger signs, but also not to assume every relationship will end like the previous ones.
When “I can manage on my own” also protects
Lack of trust can also appear as self-sufficiency:
“I don’t need anyone.”
You find it hard to ask for help, prefer to solve things alone and find it easy to care for others but uncomfortable to let yourself be cared for.
Autonomy is healthy. The problem appears when it stops being a choice and becomes the only way that feels safe.
Behind it there may be an understandable conclusion:
“It’s safer not to need anyone than to need someone and find they’re not there.”
Learning to trust does not mean losing autonomy, but being able to choose when to hold yourself up alone and when to let another person be there with you too.
How to start trusting without leaving yourself unprotected?
You do not have to force yourself to trust. Trust can be built gradually.
Observe before opening up completely. Notice how that person acts over time, not only how they make you feel at the start.
Share vulnerability little by little. You can tell something small and see how it is received before sharing something more intimate.
Listen to your boundaries. If something makes you uncomfortable, you do not need to ignore it to prove you trust.
Notice how you are in the relationship. Can you gradually relax, or do you stay on alert, justifying yourself or anticipating the other person’s reaction?
Look at what happens in conflicts. A disagreement can give you a lot of information about the safety of a bond.
When may it be advisable to seek help?
It can help to consult a psychologist when distrust starts to limit the bonds you want: if you find it hard to show vulnerability, expect people to let you down, pull away when someone starts to matter, choose relationships in which you end up hurt or feel you always have to manage alone.
Also when you know the person in front of you is different, but you keep expecting the same thing that happened before.
Working on it does not mean learning to trust indiscriminately. It means better recognising when you need to protect yourself and when you can allow yourself to get closer.
How can we support you at Calma de Ser?
At Calma de Ser we can help you understand what lies behind your way of relating to trust.
We can explore which experiences have shaped the way you bond, what happens when someone starts to matter to you, how you recognise safety, what role your boundaries play and what you need in order to get closer without leaving yourself out.
Trust is not about no longer protecting yourself.
It is about protecting yourself and bonding no longer being two incompatible options.
Frequently asked questions
Is it bad to distrust other people?
Not necessarily. A degree of caution helps us decide who we want to share our intimacy with. The difficulty appears when distrust is so widespread that it stops us building the bonds we want.
Why do I find it hard to trust even though my partner has done nothing to me?
Some present situations can connect with earlier experiences of rejection, abandonment or disappointment. Exploring what belongs to the present and what may be activated from our history helps us understand the reaction better.
How do I know if I can trust someone?
There is no absolute guarantee. Trust usually grows with repeated experiences of respect, consistency, reciprocity and repair.
Can you trust again after being hurt?
Yes, although it does not mean doing it quickly. It often means recognising safety better, respecting our boundaries and letting trust be built through real experiences.
Trusting is not closing your eyes
Perhaps for a long time you have thought there are only two options: trust and risk being hurt, or distrust to protect yourself.
But there is a middle ground.
Observe. Give it time. Listen to yourself. Set boundaries. See how the other person responds.
And let trust grow out of real experiences.
Because trusting is not about no longer protecting yourself.
It is about being able to tell, better and better, where you need to do so and where you can allow yourself to get closer.
If you want to keep exploring how we build our bonds, you can continue with our content on boundaries, relationships and emotional patterns.
